I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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