I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
