Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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