If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
