All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
