me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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