It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
