That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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