You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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