Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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