I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
