listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
