Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
