I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
