I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
