i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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