Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
