Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
