Yo dont text me then not text me
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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