had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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