Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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