I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
