What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
