My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
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Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
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It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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