I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
