woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
