I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."