and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.