This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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