I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
