Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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