Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
