plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
