He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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