It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
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she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
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So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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