remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
