i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
a search helicopter?!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Randomize
