youre lurking in front of me
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Are we still banned from the library?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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