i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
