I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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