oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
23 Medical Examiners Reveal The Most Disturbing Causes Of Death They’ve Seen
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?