Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders