so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
