Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.