she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Randomize
