It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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