not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
