i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
