Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
