Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
