Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
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She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
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Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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