well I can't set my house on fire every night
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
