Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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