Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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