If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
