Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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