I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
